Metamorphosis of Marriage
Inner Thoughts by Bubbles Kandhari
As we are celebrating our 50th Wedding Anniversary this year, a young friend of two years of marriage under her belt asked me about some experiences I could share and tips I could give for a successful marriage. So I thought of writing this piece – “Metamorphosis of Marriage”.
As the name suggests it is the various stages in the marriage that one goes through.
If it is a love marriage one can start by the initial attraction before marriage. The courtship period which is so beautiful. Each one on their best behaviour, trying to impress the other - leading to a lot of expectation. But Alas!! That is not to be. When the hard reality hits you; then as they say “Shit hits the roof” – pardon my language.
Now if it is an arranged marriage with not much courtship period; that is another ball game. One does not know what to expect. You enter a new relationship of discovering each other (physically and mentally) Ha! Ha! Could be an exciting period.
Having said that initial 2-3 years in both the cases are quite difficult. There is a lot of adjustment required. Understanding and patience are important now. That probably is the time when if necessary families could be quite supportive. Yet at the end of the day husband and wife have to sort out their own problems.
When you cross this initial critical stage, it is a little easier. Nothing is ever hunky dory all the time; it is a roller coaster ride. Nothing that cannot be resolved. It should be resolved and can be once we let go of our ego’s. At every stage there is an adjustment – adjusting with the partner – shedding the ego, example – Who apologies first, why always me? etc. etc. Doesn’t matter – we have to live in harmony, peace and in love.
About love, in time you actually start to grow love within you for your partner, if you don’t then at least you should try to move towards this direction. There should definitely be respect for each other. Try to understand the other’s point of view.
If you do not like a certain habit of his / her, then in a gentle loving manner try to say so – but not authoritatively. Nobody likes to be bossed around especially in the early stages of marriage. It feels overbearing and suffocating. This is when freedom is what they wish for and then wonder whether marriage was a mistake.
On the physical side – initially, it is all attraction. Being young and very active, discovering each other on this side is also very exciting. Here too adjustments are required though not very much as both are young and active.
Later on when kids are born it is a little different. More responsibilities on both the partners. Now you are probably busy with your careers. Women sometimes feel neglected or men feel they do not get enough attention as wives are busy with the kids. That is when sometimes men can go astray or lose interest. But it is not often if they are understanding, considerate and sincere.
Now after this stage – life is more settled though sometimes mundane. You are now looking after growing children with their multiple issues and problems.
If you have a cushy job then money is not a problem. Financially you are secure, otherwise should always keep an eye on the monthly budget so as not to burden the partner.
Whatever the case must be – must take 1-2 vacations at least – with each other – may be a runaway weekend too just time for yourselves – away from the daily routine, makes life exciting. You are then changed for the routine again. Change is always good – but better be of the routine than the partner!!
As a wife it is always nice to make a husband feel important and happy. I do not believe in today’s adage prevalent thought that as girls of today are working also – everything in workload should be shared equally. Somehow my old school of thought says that every man heart of heart likes to come to an inviting home with a loving wife, doing some romantic things for him. That is in the DNA of a man. He may not say so, but will always love it. Soon you will notice he will start to do things for you in his own way. They may be clumsy but still cute.
Let me give you our example we have this unwritten pact between us – when we travel my husband always makes the morning cup of tea for me. Now he has finally mastered the art of tea making!! But I always appreciated it as it was loaded with love.
Ok now the next stage is when kids have grown into teenagers or when ready to go to boarding school. Their tantrums, their school studies, their settling in - the boys have their own issues. You are stressed and want to tear your hair apart.
At this stage husband and wife have to stand rock-solid with each other as one – so that kids who are very smart cannot take advantage. Must speak in one voice.
Now the kids have flown and the nest is empty. You need to be for each other, understanding the emotions of the mother at this stage is important. The husband must give time to wife and likewise.
The physical angle may get less, more of real and admiration is growing in its place. A little while ago, whilst having breakfast I realised how different our tastes and choices are. He likes masala heavy food like “Channa Bhatura”, I like “Granola with almond milk”. I am vegetarian; he is a non-vegetarian; I like black – he likes blue, etc. etc. so what is it that holds us together?? It is the love and respect for each other. Respecting the otherness of others. Giving space to each other and yet being there for each other – that is the beauty of marriage.
Anyways, back to the children their studies are over – we now are also getting on in years. Settling them now in their careers is a responsibility. This leads to understanding the kids and their aptitude and guiding them.
Then follows their marriage. This is another story or chapter altogether.
Whilst we will wish them well, we should not be overbearing. Remembering your times when you wanted your privacy. It is the same story. They have their lives. Yes if they come to you for advice by all means give them. Never unsolicited. Though they are born out of you; you don’t own them. They have to fly let them soar high – you are always there for them.
Now more than ever you need each other. It is funny how in your twilight years there is so much dependency on each other - what earlier was taken for granted.
As you are getting on in years you could have some major or minor health issues. Never ignore them – have regular check-ups and take your medicines. Remember the adage “Stitch in time saves nine” little hiccups should not be alarming, it is normal at this age. Just remember to be positive. Age is just a number. If your kids are there for you, you are blessed. If not, remember to be for each other.
Also at this stage must consolidate what you have saved over the years. Make a sensible will; so that other partner is taken care of and the children do not have to fight after you are gone.
So the long and short of it is for the marriage to work and be successful the important ingredients are :-
Love, respect, patience, adjustment, understanding, caring, no egos. But above all is the prayer to and faith in the Great Lord.
Good luck and God be with you.
Beyond this, I still have to experience. If I live long enough for any different stage I shall definitely pen it down. Till then this is my metamorphosis of marriage.
Enjoy
Bubbles Kandhari